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I’m not quitting but Fuck Me Mary why can’t there be a magic pill. Why can’t I have the money to go to a fat farm where they beat the shit out of you for a month and you get daily massages and herbal teas. I don’t even like herbal teas but it just sounds nice. I even looked into getting a tummy tuck and frankly the fat farm would be cheaper. Still no new scale and depending on what number I liked this morning I’m down about 1/4 of a lb. That seems like the safest number considering one of the five times I weighed myself the number was 146? Seriously. I still have not cheated and I’m on day 16 so I’m feeling pretty proud of myself.
Support is a big thing whethere you are dieting or quitting smoking or whatever. I never smoked but boy oh boy it’s seems like a train wreck when people try to quit. My boyfriend is not supporting me whatsoever. He ordered pizza Friday night and even got chicken thai bites covered with sauce. It would have been easy to get them without sauce but that would have been caring and thoughtful. Last night I was going to make “taco’s in a bag” for him and his kids. Easy, peasy as I would have a taco salad. I gave him the list to pick up a few things with lettuce at the top. He came back with no lettuce. I asked him to go back and he decided since he doesn’t use lettuce that WE didn’t need it. So I went without supper. I have to keep telling myself that he doesn’t do it on purpose but there is a part of me that is realizing that he just doesn’t give a shit about me. I am a convenience. I hate Mondays. They are the same. I work all day. I come home and clean up while both and his kids sit, relax, or play video games. I make dinner, most often set the table. Everyone eats and maybe they take their plates to the kitchen to the dishwasher but that is it. Everyone scatters and I clean up the kitchen, clean the pots and pans, reset the table cloth, put back the chairs while he goes to sleep on the couch or in bed until it’s time to take them home. I usually find somewhere to hide or sit and just wait to go to bed. What have I done to myself? It’s hard to maintain strength in one area of your life when everything else is an absolute disaster. Unhappiness is the worst recipe for eating. This is just one of the areas of the disaster that is my life right now.
WEll… I read that it was possible to lose 15lbs during induction. I didn’t. I really don’t know what I lost because I was too afraid to weigh myself the first week. I lost about 2.5 lbs the 2nd week and although I know that is a fine number but damn, I would have really liked to see 15lbs drop off my fat ass.
The positives is that I did not cheat. I have been in “ketosis” pretty much the whole 2nd week so I have the satisfaction of knowing that my body is burning my fat stores, or in my case the fat warehouse.
No headaches today and I slept well last night so even though I didn’t have any dramatic loss I am determined to keep going. I’m really going to stick to my guns for 2 more weeks. If I can lose 2 lbs a week then I will keep going.
I look around at these smug little size 3’s and I laugh because I was one of you. I was in your club. I had a rock hard body. I didn’t know it or appreciate it but damn I was fine. I looked at the chubby’s with disdain. I wondered why and how they could not notice the weight slowly creeping on.
And here I am. The subject of your disdain. And I have no one to blame but me. No one knows about this blog. It’s for me. This is where i can be completely honest with myself. I still don’t have a new scale yet. Today I weighed myself 5 times and got 5 different numbers from 175.7 (yeah) to 182.1…what the hell? I even leaned on the bureau for old times and weighed 162 for a brief second. But oh what a glorious second it was. Goal for this week is to buy a new scale.
I told my boyfriend to kiss my ass He responded with ” I wouldn’t know where to start”. Ouch. He even said it in front of family. I had a split second where I wanted to throw my drink in his face but I also knew he was right. We haven’t had sex in months. There are other problems but my weight is definitely one of them. This is the one I am tackling. Numbers are a mystery to me. They hold no meaning. I mean I can add, subtract and do the basics but anything beyond that and I am lost. It’s as if you are speaking a different language. So when I tell you that when I was married at 19 and weighed about 110 lbs and now I’m over 170 it’s incomprehensible. I can’t imagine 60 extra pounds on my body. Where did they come from? I have always been active. I played a lot of sports until 6-7 years ago when I was injured playing hockey. That’s part of the reason but 60 fucking lbs! My math is so bad that I thought it was a 50 lb difference at first.
The scale moved about 1/2 a lb this morning but I can’t trust the scale and need a new one. This one is schizophrenic. It was a cheap Walmart scale. There were days that I would lean on the dresser when I weighed myself. Those were good days. It’s funny how I can trick even myself. One of my rules for this last ditch attempt to reach 50 ….not like this…is that I will not do that. I will stand tall, naked and look down. Every fricking day.
We went out to lunch and it’s surprising how easy it is to eat low carb. I had a steak sandwich with salad- minus the bread. It was good. However when we were done I had an overwhelming urge to have ice cream. I bargained in my head with myself. Just one spoon full. Just one. It would be heavenly. It didn’t help that I could see the Wendy’s entrance and people walking out with frosty’s.
I didn’t sleep well last night and I had a headache all day. I know the first two weeks are for your body to get used to the “new system” so I’m hoping that it gets better. So long..tomorrow is 2 weeks.
Where do you begin when your 49 and you look in the mirror and you don’t recognize who is standing there? I wanted to call my Blog “Fuck Fat” because that seemed the most appropriate. I am on day 12 of doing a ridiculous low carb diet. I have stuck to this thing and not broken because that’s what I do.I am an “A” type personality. I make plans and then replan the plan to make ther plan better. I commit and then I do stupid things like:
1 hey if they say 20 grams of carbs a day I can do 10!
2 if the pee stick turns pink and that’s good obviously if I make it turn purple it’s way better!
3 vegetables are for rabbits and granola munching hippies.
4 2lbs a week? I’m turning 50 in 5 months for god’s sake!
So you can see where I am heading Insurmountable goals that are defeated and then I drown myself in Pizza and ice cream. You will hear a lot about ice cream because I love it. You don’t understand. If I had to choose between ice cream and amazing sex for the rest of my life I would not even hesitate. Pour some caramel on that sucker and give me a spoon. If I had to choose between ice cream and Daniel Craig, who is standing in the way of my ice cream, I would kick that fucker in the nuts, jump over his writhing body to smother myself in the cold ice creamy goodness. Once satiated I might go back to offer first aid… maybe. So this blog is to myself. I will be brutally honest. I will tell you that I am 179 lbs today. It makes me sick to even type it. It’s not a terrible weight for someone say …6 feet tall.. I, however, am 5’2″. So 179 lbs means that I am a chunky little rib eye.
So …starting tomorrow it begins.